


Left to my own devices

by orphan_account



Series: If you close your eyes [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Ableism, Abusive Family, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Internalised ableism, Love at First Sight, M/M, Platonic Soulmates, Pre-Quest, Prequel, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, autistic Ori, dwarves have three sexes and at least as many genders, non binary characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-04
Updated: 2014-10-07
Packaged: 2018-02-11 18:16:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2078229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>side stories to go with "If you close your eyes"<br/>concerning Ori and Kili and their affair before the quest, and other things in the future<br/>(can be read as a stand alone)(but then it's a sad story)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I am incredibly blocked on the main fic right now, and Kili was begging to be a little more present, and I was really a little tired of Fili's occasionally irritating views of Ori, so this happened.

There were children sitting in the little dead-end behind the forge. It was a much favoured playground, Kili knew that. It was out of the way, adults rarely came there, and there was nothing fragile around that might get broken. Sometimes Lady Dis made too many biscuits and gave some away to the playing children. It had taken Kili a while to realize that there was no such thing as too many biscuits, since they kept for weeks. It was just his mother feeding strays, as Thorin teased her sometimes.

The kids always sat down when there were biscuits. It was about the only time they ever sat quietly anywhere. But there were no biscuits that day to keep them calm, and instead, there was only a voice.

It was not the most melodious of voices. A little high, and something in its quality gave the impression that that its owner was not used to talking for as long as they were now doing. But that voice was telling a story (reading a story, Kili later discovered) and there was a quiet passion in it, an effort to tell things the right way. It did not always manage to quite make the characters sound alive, and it was often monotone when not telling dialogues, but the children were hanging to its every word.

The voice came from one child older than the others. Only, coming closer, Kili realized that they weren’t quite a child. Too old for that. But too young to properly be an adult either, and so small that it didn’t help.

Pretty though. Small but pretty, and reading from that book as if it were the most important thing in the world.

For the kids around, it certainly was.

Coming a little closer, Kili got a look at the young dwarf’s braids. A boy. The prettiest boy he had ever seen, and he liked to think he had seen many pretty people in his life. Always had been an appreciator of beauty, and didn’t it piss Fili off mightily. But this boy… looking at him made Kili feel like he would never want to look at anyone else ever again. He could have stayed there, on the edge of that alley, listening to that boy for ever…

But one child noticed him, and pointed at him.

“He’s the biscuit lady’s son!” they chirped. “Do you have any?”

Chaos broke, and in the middle of it, Kili saw his pretty boy look utterly panicked… and he was his boy already, because Kili had looked at many people, but he had never wanted anyone so much in his life. Fili would hate him, but it mattered little compared to the thought of that small, mousy boy who was trying to run away.

“Wait, no, don’t go!” Kili shouted, trying to grab the boy’s sleeve, but there were too many children around him to move freely.

The boy escaped. Before long, the children realized that they wouldn’t be getting any biscuits and that they had lost their story-teller. If looks could have killed, Kili would not have survived very long.

“I’ll bring you biscuits another time!” he promised before the kids could decide that just looks weren’t enough to express their anger. “But that boy, the one with the book… what was his name?”

“That’s Ori!” a voice chirped. “He’s my aunt’s cousin’s nephew. You scared him!”

“I’m not the one who shouted for biscuits,” Kili pointed out. “I was being good and listening, just like you lot. Don’t blame me! Now, who’s his father? Where does he live? What’s his trade?”

Does he have a soulmate? Kili wanted to ask, because that might have been a real problem. But the kids wouldn’t know, and he wanted to hope for a little longer. Even without talking to him, he wanted Ori. And Mahal help him, but if the boy had a One, or a partner of any sort, then Kili would still try to be his friend. There was a sort of delight in the pain of being near someone beautiful you couldn’t have, and pain was all Kili knew he could expect in lieu of a love life.

“His adad is… Naren,” the first kid said. “I think. I don’t go to their house, mama is not friend with them. There’s just Ori who comes at our house because he teaches me and my sister to read.”

“He’s a scribe,” cheerfully explained a slightly older girl. “That’s why he teaches us, and why he reads so well. What d’ya want from him, anyway?”

Kili did not even hesitate.

“I want to borrow his book. I’d never heard that story before. It was beautiful. If he ever come again read to you here, one of you must come and tell me, okay? I work in the forge right here. If you do it, I’ll buy you frosted biscuits from the shop down the street. One for each of you.”

The kids playing in the alley were not, for the most, from very rich families. Frosted biscuits were something they had only experienced by looking at the bakery’s window until they were shouted at.

It would put a serious dent in Kili’s finances, but for a chance to see that boy again…

Once, Kili had bought his mother little pot of cherry jam every day for three months just because the dwarf selling them was so very handsome and he hadn’t found any other excuse to talk to them, until he’d found out they were engaged. By the end of it Dis had been sick of the stuff, and to this day Fili still refused to eat cherry jam, even when Kili hadn’t bought it.

Compared to that, giving away biscuits to children was almost tame.

And this time at least, it would be easier to hide it from his brother.

 


	2. first meeting, take two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori is happy to read again for the children, but, again, it doesn't go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for brief mentions of parental abuse

It made Ori impossibly happy when Laren and Tarn told him that their friends wanted him to read to them again. He’d worried they would despise him after he had panicked… Even if he loved doing it for children, reading aloud was exhausting, and having their attention on him made him nervous, and then there had been that strange man creeping on them… Laren had said that the dwarf hadn’t really been an adult, that he couldn’t be ten years older than Ori, but he had still scared him. In his experience, people who lurked in shadows to look at him were rarely good people.

But that didn’t matter. He was going to read again for the children. He was tempted to pick the same book again, a beautiful telling of the life of Durin the Deathless, but he decided in the end it would not be a good idea. Other people didn’t like hearing the same story again and again and again until they knew each word by heart, no matter how good it was. So instead he picked a history of Erebor, a precious present from Nori, that ze’d found in the Iron Hills. Ori’s master said it was important to remember where they came from, even if it was lost, and that teaching children about it was the duty of the old. Ori wasn’t so sure he counted as old yet, but he still understood duty, and this was _important_.

Sneaking out of the house to go meet the children was easy. Adad never really knew when Ori was supposed to be working, nor did he even seem to know what sort of jobs his son did (writing letters for the most, and sometimes teaching children to read and write), and amad, who knew a little more (but not much) understood that her son wanted to escape as often as possible. It hadn't been so bad until her latest miscarriage. Ori used to stay in his room a lot, curled in a corner with a book and not making any noise, so that if adad came in, he wouldn’t see him. But now if he was in the mood to be angry, adad _looked_ for him in the room, and then it wasn’t nice at all. If Ori wasn’t home at such a time, adad might take it out on his things (he hid his books, and anything that was fragile) but it was still better than the other option.

At the corner of the street, Ori met with Laren and Tarn, who were waiting for him. It was their usual meeting place. Their mother did not want them to go anywhere near adad, and Ori did not blame her.

They seemed particularly excited that afternoon, getting a little louder than Ori would have liked. They were used to him though, so when he signed to ask them to calm down, they made an effort. Still, Tarn was practically vibrating, and it was pleasing. Ori was glad that they liked book this much. Not many children had a proper chance to learn to read in Ered Luin, so he was proud of himself for helping, in any way.

When they arrived at the alley, Ori did not notice that one child escaped as soon as he sit down. At that point, he was already too focussed on what he needed to do. He carefully opened the book, and while everyone sat around him and tried to get silent, he rehearsed silently different ways to read the first sentence. Everything else would flow naturally, he knew by experience, but the first sentence was always a problem. He had to prepare himself, or he would be stuttering and gaping for ages before he managed to say a single word.

When he was ready he started reading aloud, and everything else disappeared. All that mattered was the story, and the fact that it needed to be told.

Ori had just reached his favourite moment, when the Great Engineer told their Maker that dwarves would be granted life, because they had always been part of his Plan, when the man from the other day came again.

Carrying many colourful biscuits on a tray.

The children’s voices exploded, high and piercing and hurting as if they were blades cutting through Ori’s ears. Then Ori saw, next to the man, the child who had left earlier. Hir mouth was covered in pink and blue frost, and Ori suddenly felt very stupid. Whatever was happening here, clearly no one had wanted to hear about Durin the Deathless. They just cared about…

“Want a biscuit?” the man asked, holding one right under Ori’s nose. It smelled of sugar and heat and cream.

Never accept food from a stranger, Nori had told him more than once. And ze didn’t give orders lightly, so Ori followed them all. Dori had said the same, too, and if they both agreed on something, it was usually true.

Ori shook his head, and pushed away the man’s arm. Laren had been right that the other dwarf was probably too close to his age to be called a man, but it helped. If he had to complain to Nori later, it would be easier if he could say it had been a man, rather than a boy. Boys teased and flirted whereas men were scary.

“Come on, it’s not poisoned,” the other dwarf laughed. “Look, how about we share it? Half for you and half for me?”

It sounded reasonable, but Nori had given a rule. Ori shook his head.

“Suit yourself,” the other dwarf replied, putting the entire biscuit inside his mouth as he sat down near Ori, far too close.

The young scribe wanted to run away, but knew he couldn’t. It had been wrong of him to abandon the children with a strange man last time. It was still wrong, especially since the strange man was after him.

“My name’s Kili,” the man said. “I work in the forge right here,” he explained, tapping the wall with his hand. “And you are?”

“He’s Ori!” one child said, taking a brief pause from licking frosting. “We told you last time.”

Ori felt angry that his name had been so carelessly given to a stranger, but the man just laughed.

“I’m trying to start a conversation here, if you lot don’t mind. Can’t you go sit somewhere else?”

Ori curled up a little on himself, the pages of his book crumpled against his chest, and the hard edges digging into his arms. He wanted the man to go away. He wanted to go home. He wanted Laren and Tarn to not have sold him for a couple of biscuits. He wanted…

The man moved away a little, leaving enough distance between them for a grown dwarf to sit there.

“Sorry, is that better?” he asked, and he did not sound like most people who tried to chat with Ori.

People usually got angry when Ori got scared, or they pushed harder, or they just left. People did not give him space, while still being interested enough to stay. That was new. Later, when he would not be so scared anymore, it might even be pleasant.

“I just wanted to talk to you, I’m sorry,” the man said (but maybe he really was a boy. Ori hadn’t quite caught his name, he would have to ask Laren later). “Sorry, that’s gonna sound weird, but you seemed so… great when you were reading to the kids the other day, and I really wanted to have a chat with you. Try to be friend and all that. If you think I’m a creep though, just say the word and I’ll piss off, okay? I swear on my honour. My mom would cut my balls if she thought I was acting like a prick. And then my brother would cook them and make me eat them.”

The children around them laughed. Ori felt a little angry that the boy was using such words near them, because Dori said it was important to use only nice words around children. At the same time, he’d heard Tarn say far worse things than “balls” and “pricks” so maybe that was one of these rules that could be broken.

Ori was tempted to ask the boy to go away, just to see if he’d really do it and keep his promise, but that way lay disappointment only. If the boy did it, then Ori would never talk to him again, even though it’d be proof that he was a decent person. But if he stayed, or tried to talk to Ori again, then he really would be a creep, and Ori didn’t need more of that in his life.

He said nothing and waited. People could never keep quiet very long, he’d noticed.

But the other boy seemed perfectly happy to wait for him to make up his mind, and in the end, it was Tarn who broke the silence.

“Can you read again?” he asked, licking the last traces of frosting from his fingers. “With the Maker and the Engineer and the plan and how can you make so _many_ dwarves as we are with just seven people anyway?”

The rest of the story covered it with the origin of Ones, Ori wanted to say, but he had not calmed down enough for it. Speaking of that near that boy who said he wanted to be his friend felt… odd. He felt panic rising again, because children’s questions had to be answered, it was the duty of anyone who had answers to give them, his master used to say. He had to say something but the words were stuck, and even though he was trying to push them out, they would not leave his throat and…

“It’s the gift of love,” said the boy sitting next to him. “That is how we are so many. Mahal, the Maker, saw that even if they were together, the seven elder were lonely as shit sometimes. So he asked permission to the Great Engineer to make more of his children. The Engineer explained that this could not so easily be done, because life isn’t so easy to make out of nothing, right? So the dwarves, they heard that, and they offered that their life be taken and split in two, and the Engineer said that it was worth a try. Durin went first of course, and it worked, so all the others went after hir. And that’s how we could be so many, because we have Ones to make us feel loved, and with your One, you’ll wanna have baby and stuff. Or not. Some people don’t really want babies, even with their One, but you know what I mean.”

It was the most _irreverent_ telling of the origin of love that Ori had ever heard. Old tales were not supposed to be said with the same words used to describe that someone’s cousin had been caught in the bed of someone else’s nephew. It was not respectful, and tales were important and had to be respected and words were important and had to be respected, and… and Ori was no longer so panicked, and that was something.

Tarn, however, did not seem convinced.

“That doesn’t sound right,” he claimed. “It doesn’t sound like a _real_ story. Ori, read it from the book, I want the real story! With all the _right_ words!”

Had it been in his character, Ori might have kissed the boy. He was very tempted to hug him at least, for showing proper appreciation of stories as they were supposed to be. But then, all the children chirped in agreement, making it obvious that while the other boy’s telling of the story had probably been clearer, it had not felt like a proper story at all. To calm them, and because he enjoyed it, Ori carefully put back the book on his lap, straightening the pages that had suffered earlier, and he read.

He got as far as the arrival to the Misty Mountain before some of the children started saying they had to go home. They left one by one, thanking him for the story, and demanding that he come to tell them the rest later. Eventually, all that was left was Ori, Laren, Tarn, and that boy.

Tired but calmer, Ori dared a few proper glances at him. He was tall, and dark of skin and hair. Not pretty as such, but he had a sort of look of niceness… and he reminded Ori of that very, very pretty boy he’d sometimes seen come into the forge, the one with a dark skin but golden hair. Maybe they were related, or maybe it was just that most other dwarves in Ered Luin were rather pinkish of skin.

“I’m going to be in such trouble for disappearing like that,” he laughed. “But that was fun. Will I be allowed around when you read the rest of the story, or do you want me to leave you alone? You can say so, even now. Heck, even if you allow me next time, you can still tell me to piss off anywhen. I’m sorry that I’ve been a bit of a prick with the biscuits and all, I just wanted to see you again, you know? I liked the way you read to the kids last time. I’d never seen them so quiet before.”

It was ridiculous how pleased Ori was to hear that. People sometimes said the silliest of things to flirt with him, which he hated… but usually they mostly talked about how pretty he was. This was a nice change. He still didn’t want to be flirted with, and the fact that he was suddenly enjoying it made him even more wary, but if they could be friends, it would be… sweet.

“You are _nice_ ,” Ori said with all the conviction he could gather, and hoped it would be enough.

The way the other boy smiled, it was.

He was almost pretty, when he smiled.

And Ori was a little angry at himself for thinking that, but it couldn’t be helped.

“I’ll see you next time then. I don’t know if I’ll be able to have biscuits again, but send one of the kids to get me when you’re reading again, okay? I’ll come right away, unless I’m very busy.”

Ori nodded firmly. He certainly would do that.

If nothing else, he wanted to see how long Kili could be that nice before, like everyone else who had ever taken an interest in Ori, he decided that he didn’t want to deal with someone so weird after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *takes a deep breath* aaaaaaaaaaah, I had missed Ori's pov so muuuuuuuuch  
> Fili is nice and all, but he can be a little ableist at times, and he doesn't always pay attention, and since Ori doesn't talk much, it's pretty hard to show how much he communicates when he's seen through the eyes of someone who's just starting to realize that communication is happening


	3. friend

Kili was floating when he went home that night, and of course, it didn’t go unnoticed. His mother wasn’t home, and neither was his uncle, but Fili was. He didn’t look very happy, but that was a given lately.

“Mother says you’re grounded for leaving like you did,” Fili announced, and he had the decency to look sorry.

“I’ll be of age next year, she can’t ground me,” Kili grumbled.

“Actually, the point of it is that she _can_ ground you until next year. And even after that, really, as long as we live in her house. I would obey if she grounded me.”

“Because you’re too obedient, like a puppy.”

That was enough to make Fili go from “not happy” to “angry”, but Kili couldn’t care less. Ori had called him nice, and nothing else really mattered. From anyone else it might not have been much, but aside from his reading, the boy had not said a single word to anyone. Not to anyone but Kili, and that had to mean something.

“You’re smiling,” Fili noted. “I know that smile. It’s not a good one. It’s the smile of someone who’s going to get in trouble again, and expect me to get him out of it.”

The blonde had crossed his arms on his chest, glaring at his brother as if he expected to hear something outrageous, as if everything Kili did was always a catastrophe. Which it often was, granted, but Kili would have liked the illusion that he did things right sometimes. He would have liked for Fili to not be always so angry, too. He wanted many things, and he was going to get none of them because what he said next was the worst possible thing.

“I’m in love,” Kili proudly announced.

“Oh, again?” Fili sneered disdainfully, as if it were nothing to him.

He might have convinced someone else, but not Kili. The younger prince knew his brother too well. He’d spent his life looking at Fili, trying to copy him in hopes of feeling good enough some day. Kili saw the slight nervous twitch in Fili’s left eye, the way he held himself straighter, his arms tighter against his chest. Fili was hurt, and trying to hide it.

“Let me guess, it’s for real this time?” the blond spat.

Kili shrugged, smirking as he pretended to ignore his brother and went to the kitchen. He was starting to know better than to call his feelings love each time, but if it could annoy Fili, let him believe what he wanted.

 

The next few days were boring enough. Being grounded usually was. Being grounded and in the middle of an argument with Fili was just the worst, because it meant Kili had no one to laugh with. They had still not made up by the time Kili’s punishment was lifted, but the younger prince did not worry. It was nowhere near being their longest argument yet.

Things had been difficult since they’d woken up one morning to find each other’s name on their wrists. Before that, Kili had always felt that he would spend the rest of his life near his brother, but the Marks had changed something. It had changed Fili, making him feel like Kili’s flirting with other people was suddenly a personal offense.

Kili had always flirted, ever since he’d been old enough to realize how much fun it was to make people smile at him and like him, and Fili had never minded _much_ before. It was all because of the Marks. Most of the time, Kili hated them. He didn’t want a One, he wanted his brother back.

 

Two days after Kili was allowed to go freely wherever he wanted once more, little Laren came to the forge to tell him that another reading session was about to start. This time, the prince did things a little more properly, and asked his mother if she would need him for the rest of the day.

“When would you be back?” Dis asked. “Do you plan on disappearing the entire afternoon again?”

Kili paused for a moment. If Ori was going to continue reading the same story, there was still a lot waiting to happen. And after, the prince hoped he might walk the boy home, see if they could chat a little…

“Maybe? I don’t really know yet. I should be back for diner for sure.”

It would have been nice to try to take Ori out somewhere, but the biscuits of the other day really had cost more than he’d have thought.

Dis sighed, the exasperated sigh of a mother who knew to keep her energy for important battle but still did not like what was going on. She nodded, and Kili bolted out with Laren.

Ori was in the alley with the children, somehow looking even prettier than last time. And he looked up and smiled when Kili arrived. A small, shy, uncertain smile that disappeared when Ori turned back to his book, but a smile nonetheless, and Kili wanted to kiss it.

Because none of the children had interrupted Ori’s reading the time before, nor this one, Kili made sure to stay silent too.  He liked the story anyway, and it gave him a good chance to look at the boy. Ori was pretty and so pale. He even had freckles on his face, and it had Kili wondering where else he might have them… and his hair was such a strange colour, gold and red, going from blond to brown depending on the light. He was the most beautiful person Kili had ever seen, and the prince prayed to Mahal that once his shyness would be overcome, his personality would be just as nice.

This time, Ori got to finish his book, which seemed to make him very happy. The children around him immediately started asking what he would be reading to them next time, and that made him even happier. Kili didn’t even hear what they decided on in the end, too busy admiring the way the younger dwarf’s face lit up when he was pleased.

“Can I come next time too?” Kili asked anyway, because Ori could have read the Book of Laws and make it sound fascinating.

Ori blushed at the question, but nodded.

“And can I walk you home too?” the prince inquired. “The streets aren’t always safe, I want to make sure you get home without problems. And also I’d like to chat with you alone, a bit?”

Ori hesitated. With how shy he was, Kili was pleased by it, because the other dwarf didn’t seem the sort to usually even consider letting someone walk him home. So when Ori shook his head and pointed at his little cousins, as if to say he wouldn’t be alone anyway, Kili was not too disappointed. Whatever was happening with Ori was going to happen slow, but it would be worth it. He could be patient.

“It’s fine,” Kili quickly said. “I understand. Wouldn’t want some weirdo I don’t know walking me home either. I guess I’ll see you next time then, and…”

“Not a weirdo,” Ori mumbled, looking down between his feet. “You’re nice.”

Kili blushed as if Ori had made some grand declaration about his worth, and felt a little silly for it.

“Thanks. You’re really nice. I really hope we can be boyfriends.”

Ori’s head snapped up to stare at him with wide, terrified eyes, and Kili stuttered as he realized what he’d said.

So much for slow and patient.

“I didn’t mean that!” Kili cried, while the children around them either laughed or formed a protective wall between Ori and him. “Friends, I wanted to say friends! I would love to be friends! Well, I… maybe if someday you’re… if you’re interested, I wouldn’t say not if we…”

“No,” Ori squealed, all hunched up and almost shaking in fear.

“Then it’s no,” Kili said softly, forcing himself to keep the disappointment out of his voice. “And if you don’t want to be friends either, then tell me to piss off. Or tell the kids not to come warn me you’re here anymore. I swear I won’t come anywhere near you if you don’t want me to. I promise on my honour.”

There was no answer, and Ori really was shaking now, slightly rocking back and forth. It wouldn’t be fair to be demanding any sort of an answer now, and Ori had his cousins to help him home, so Kili said goodbye and started walking back toward the forge. He was nearly out of the alley when Ori spoke again.

“Friends is okay!” the boy squeaked.

When Kili turned to smile at him, Ori was looking away, wringing the hem of his tunic in his hands and his entire face red.

“You can tell me no, you know,” Kili replied. “I can take a no, I swear.”

“Still _yes_ ,” Ori retorted, smiling shyly in spite of his nervousness. “You’re _nice_.”

Kili grinned at that. He wondered how many meaning the younger dwarf put into the word nice. It was also starting to hit him that maybe there wasn’t just a problem of shyness there, that maybe Ori just had trouble speaking… it happened sometimes, didn’t it? Some people were deaf, or mute, or both, or they just couldn’t speak a lot for some reason…

It wouldn’t change the fact that Ori seemed sweet, and that he was kind around kids and that these kids loved him. Ori was, for lack of a better word, nice, and even if he never said more than two words at once, Kili would be glad to spend time with him.

“Well then,” the prince said. “See you next time, _friend_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello!  
> So, if you follow me on tumblr, you might know I'm in the process of moving. It's all happening very fast (I visited the new place last week and I'm starting to move this week-end hopefully) and it's all very, very tiring for me because I have to make phone calls about a lot of things, and to pack, and all of this on top of the normal work I have to do.  
> Meaning, updates on any fics at all are going to be slow until I'm fully settled in my new place!  
> but once I'm there, I should hopefully have more time to write (and sleep, which is good for writing) and that's gonna be good! :D


	4. about love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili tells Ori about his One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to ableism, a huge deal of internalised ableism, emotional abuse
> 
> this isn't a very happy chapter I fear

Reading to the children had never been meant to be a regular things. It had just happened one day because Ori had been made to babysit his cousins, but they wanted to play with their friends and he wanted to read, and a compromise had to be reached. But the kids had really liked it, and so had Ori. That was why he’d managed to negotiate with his master to have a free afternoon each week just for that purpose. It was important for the children because they often didn’t go to school, and it was good for him because it got him used to being around people more and talking out loud, so his master had agreed. Like many other people, he seemed to think that anything that would make Ori talk more was good. It made the young scribe very uncomfortable, because he was trying hard enough already to communicate with people, but he was not above using it to his advantage sometimes. For example to get free time to be with the children and Kili.

The mere thought of the older boy made him smile these days.

It had never been easy, making friends, but Kili was always so kind and nice. Even if he had a crush of some sort on Ori, he never mentioned it again, never did anything about it, and just chatted with Ori like he would chat to anyone else. He made Ori feel normal, as if it didn’t matter that he didn’t really talk or that he moved oddly and reacted strangely at some things. He hadn’t even minded when he’d try to hug Ori once, and been pushed away hard.

“I’ll ask before I do it next time,” Kili just said, and he never tried it again.

And wasn’t that strange, compared to adad and granda who still forced him to tolerate hugs from all their relatives because it’d be rude otherwise, and how dared Ori be rude, if he couldn’t talk or do anything useful he’d better be nice at least.

Ori liked him a lot, but he was thankfully not so silly as to ever do more than like Kili.

First, because Kili was a flirt. A terrible one. He could mostly contain himself when he was with Ori, but even then he could get distracted if someone pretty enough passed them by. And he was just awful without Ori: the children, who had apparently decided that the two of them were an item, often came to tell Ori that they had seen Kili smiling at this dwarf or complimenting that other, and he had straight out offered to bed Nored’s oldest sister. It would have happened too, if not for the fact that Kili’s brother had joined them in the tavern, putting an end to that sort of talk.

And that was the second reason why Ori would never more than like Kili: his brother Fili was his One. It was Kili himself who had told him one afternoon, as they were walking together (they did that sometimes now, after Ori was done reading, and it was nice, and often Kili would buy him something sweet to eat somewhere). Kili had seemed pretty annoyed by the situation as he explained things, while Ori was trying very hard to not be disappointed. Even without that, it wasn’t as if there would ever have been a chance of them being more than friends. People like him didn’t get to have lovers, or they ended up like aunt Nara, and he still had nightmares about her. Maybe it was better to know that Kili couldn’t get married or even fall in love with anyone.

Ori said that last one aloud, because a reaction of some sort was expected of him, but it just made Kili groan.

“But I can fall in love!” He protested. “Everyone thinks that I can, just because I’ve got his name on me… And I love him, sure, even if he’s a damn annoying prick sometimes, but he’s my brother. Everyone loves their brothers, even people who are married! But they also love their partners, right? It’s just not the same sort of love, right? Well, I think it could be the same for me. I love Fili, but I figured, I could also love… someone else.”

Ori considered that for a moment. He didn’t really know anyone in a case like that. He didn’t really know a lot about Ones in general, really. Dori’s One had died long ago, and Nori didn’t have one. Grandpa had married his wife because her One’s family hadn’t wanted her around, saying she wasn’t right in the head (just like Ori was, and like aunt Nara had been). Adad and amad were each other’s One, and so Ori supposed they must have been in love. Most days it made him glad that adad and granpa had explained that someone like him probably couldn’t feel love, because romance just seemed to make you very sad. Amad didn’t cry, and she always made sure to smile around Ori, but she was still sad.

“In stories, people only marry their One,” Ori eventually said.

“Oh, I don’t think I’m the marrying type anyway,” Kili grimaced. “ _Can’t_ be. I’m a prince and all, so if I don’t marry my One, I’d probably be expected to marry someone important. Someone who can have little babies with me so the line remains, and whose family has money or soldiers. Ideally both, so that uncle can get his mountain back.”

“That’s sad.”

Kili grimaced again, but shrugged. Maybe it wasn’t love that was a sad thing then, but just marriage. Dori said sometimes that amad used to be happy before she got married. Granda said instead that she’d been happy until she’d had Ori, and that was maybe true too, but not as much as her being sad because of adad. She always smiled more when he wasn’t there, and it was the only times when she would laugh. If Ori was the one who had made her be sad, then he wasn’t the only one.

“I think I’d still like to be in love, even if it’s not with someone I can’t marry,” Kili insisted. “It’s nice being in love. Especially if the other person likes you too. Have you ever been in love?”

Ori shook his head, wondering how he could explain that he really didn’t want to be, anyway.

“Maybe you’ll find someone you like someday,” Kili said confidently. “Or maybe you won’t. Some people just don’t fall in love. I think my brother is like that. He’d marry his work if he could, but I’ve never really known him to be interested in anyone. Well, he used to have that huge crush on a friend of ours some years ago, but ze died, and Fili’s never really looked at anyone since then. Too busy for it anyway. Me, on the other hand… I’d really love to find someone pretty and nice to spend time with. Have you ever seen someone so perfect, you have to fight yourself not to go to them and beg for a kiss?”

“No,” Ori replied, and it was the entire truth.

He’d never thought that before, but now that Kili had said it, it was easy to imagine. Only, he was imagining it with Kili, and that was a bad idea, and he couldn’t like Kili that way. He didn’t want to like Kili that way. It was nice being friends, and they laughed sometimes, and Kili was so kind. If Ori was in love, then he’d get jealous of the way Kili looked at other people, and they would have arguments like amad and adad did, and everything would be miserable.

“I don’t think I can love,” Ori added slowly, carefully. He tried to never lie, because Nori said it showed when he lied, but this wasn’t a real lie anyway. Everyone said he couldn’t really fall in love because there was something wrong with him, and in stories, people didn’t wonder if it was smart or not to love someone, they just did and then dealt with the consequences. If he could think about things that way, then it was likely he couldn’t love at all.

Kili’s face fell for a moment, and he looked anywhere but at Ori.

“Well, love’s not always so nice anyway,” the prince eventually sighed. “You’re not missing out on much. I mean, kissing’s nice, but all the rest is a bother. Friends are much, much better. I’m glad we’re friends. You’re really nice to be around. Not many people I can talk about that sort of things with. Fili just gets mad at me, and everyone says I shouldn’t be thinking things like that when I have a One and all. I like talking to you.”

“I like it too,” Ori replied. He wondered if he should have smiled as he said that. He didn’t really feel like smiling at all. There was a huge great ball of something in his throat that made it a bit hard to breathe, and another in his stomach that hurt if he looked at Kili. The best thing to do, Ori figured, was to not look at Kili.

They walked in silence after that. Ori wasn’t looking at Kili, and so didn’t notice that Kili wasn’t looking at him either. What he noticed instead was that it was getting late, and that he’d probably get shouted at for not going home earlier.

He didn’t want to go home, where everyone was miserable and shouting at him and telling him that he wasn’t enough, or letting others say it and being too tired to defend him. Ori wanted to stay there for ever, walking the streets of Ered Luin by Kili’s side. Even when it made him sad, as it did as that moment, is was a different sadness from the one at home. It was a nice sadness, if such a thing was possible, because even when things were bad like today, Kili still didn’t mind that he was so weird, still liked him and was kind.

“We should probably go home,” Kili said after a while. “Won’t you get in trouble?”

Ori shrugged. He already was in trouble. Just by being born.

“I want to be with you,” he said instead, and it made Kili smile.

“Well, I’m pretty sure at this point, I’ll get a scolding too,” the prince said, as if being scolded wasn’t so fearful for him… but then, he was a lot braver than Ori, a bit like Nori who also never feared anything adad could say to him. “How about we go eat something, and then I walk you home? Or as near to home as you’ll let me go, if you don’t want your parents to see you with me. Spend a bit more time together, that sort of things. I’m thinking of stealing that book from my brother, for the kids. They’ll love it. I think it’s a story from the Orocarni, and it’s just awesome and full of adventures and stuff. I could tell you the story a bit while we eat?”

Ori smiled, and nodded. He liked how Kili so wanted to help him with the reading sessions, even if they had entirely different ideas of what would make good material for them. Ori wanted to educate the children, whereas Kili just wanted them to laugh a lot and be very impressed by strange adventures… but maybe laughing was good too, Ori decided. Maybe he could try to read that story Kili had found. Children needed to have fun, and in his experience it wasn’t something they’d have at home, so maybe he could provide them with a little of that. Him and Kili. They could do that together at least, even if a lot of other things were out of the question.

And sure, he was going to be punished so much for staying so late, it made him sick to just think of it. But it’d be worth it for a little more time with Kili.

Ori wasn’t brave at all, not the way Kili was, but adad didn’t feel so scary anymore when he was with the prince.


End file.
